To Return to God
1. I Have Been Waging an Internal War
It is some time that I have been waging an internal war, that a strong spirit forces me to speak about teshuvah, repentance. All of my thoughts are centered only on that. Repentance takes the greatest part of Torah and life, upon it are built all individual and communal hopes, it is a mitzvah that is on the one hand the easiest of all (a thought of repentance is already repentance) and on the other hand is the most difficult of all, for it has not yet been achieved in the world and in life.
I find myself tending to speak and think constantly only about it. Many have written—Torah, Prophets, sages—about it; but to our generation the words are still occluded.
The new literature, which roams in all corners where song and life are found, has not at all penetrated into this wondrous treasure house of life, the treasure house of repentance. It has not even begun to take an interest in it, to know its character and its worth—even from its poetic aspect, which inspires beyond measure, and how much more has it not even touched upon its active side, in particular in connection with the conditions of our new life.
I am compelled from my inner being to speak about this matter of repentance, and I step back when I think: Am I worthy of speaking about repentance? The great men of the previous generations have written about repentance, the prophets and the purest sages, the greatest pietists. How can I stand in their company? But no weakness in the world can absolve me of my inner responsibility. I must speak about repentance, and particularly regarding its literary and active aspect, so that its character may be understood in our generation, and that it may be realized in life—in the life of the individual and in the life of the community.
Behold, I See
Behold, I see how sins stand as a wall against the clear divine light that shines with all its radiance on every soul, and how they darken and becloud the soul.
Repentance, even that which is only contemplative, brings about a great emancipation. However, the soul comes to a complete redemption specifically when it brings into actuality the repentance that was in potential.
But at any rate, since a person’s thought is tied to holiness and to the desire for repentance, there is no cause for fear at all. Hashem will certainly conscript all the methods through which total repentance, which illumines all areas of darkness with the light of its vitality, is acquired.
And in accord with the great value of repentance, so is the Torah blessed and grows more clear, and a person’s learning grows lucid and clear.
And “a heart that is broken and oppressed, God will not despise.”
My Heart Will Not Be Dismayed
My heart will not be dismayed by any depression in the world, because I know that this constitutes a sort of exposure of deficiency within [my] spirit on all its levels, in its individual aspect and in the aspect of its relationship with the world.
These moments of depression identify for me the areas of grief that I have to rectify and fill with light—through action, perception, thought and [internal] imagery.
All of these paths are fully open, for God's kindness is great. “Great is Your kindness to me; You have saved my soul from Sheol.”
Hashem Is With Me, I Will Not Fear
I will not let any alien predilection cause me to fall from the level I am on, for I know that all descents are necessary.
A person has to work very hard to remain constantly immersed in a situation of light, of holy joy and the desire for Torah and for serving God. So even when shadows pass and my spirit is somewhat clouded, and I engage in abrupt behavior and the short temper of my corporality gains strength, I will not fear, for I will immediately repent.
And this degraded situation will stand before me as a source of learning how to arrange the pathways leading to the coming days.
“Hashem is with me, I will not fear.”
He Did Not Listen
If the evil inclination every day rises up with new, empty ways, I will know that it has come to pave a path upon which to raise all the days to the light of supernal life.
“Blessed be Hashem every day.” “And it was that when she spoke to Yosef every day, he did not listen to her.”
In The End, My Hope Is Strong
In the end, my hope is strong that Hashem will make it possible for me to return to Him with a complete and whole repentance, with great love, and with a very lucid and clear mind.
Make It Possible For Me To Increase Goodness
Remove my disgrace, turn aside my worry, wipe away my sin, so that I will be able to pray before You with a shining countenance and engage in your mitzvot and in Your Torah with a holy joy—so that I will be able to give joy to Your creatures, to uplift and beautify those who fear You.
Make it possible for me to increase goodness, lovingkindness and blessing in the world.
“Let the willful be ashamed, for they have accused me falsely.” “I will delight in Your rules.”
Save me from all weakness, from all laxity and from every evil trait.
Enlighten my eyes with the illumination of the joy of Your salvation.
Save Your nation. Fill the heart of Your holy nation with Your fear and the awe of the glory of Your great might.
Support them in Your love, lead them straight upon Your straight highway, cause the illumination of the lovely pleasantness of the holiness of Your holy Sabbath appear in their heart, and bring them back to Your inheritance, quickly, quickly, in our days, soon.
It is some time that I have been waging an internal war, that a strong spirit forces me to speak about teshuvah, repentance. All of my thoughts are centered only on that. Repentance takes the greatest part of Torah and life, upon it are built all individual and communal hopes, it is a mitzvah that is on the one hand the easiest of all (a thought of repentance is already repentance) and on the other hand is the most difficult of all, for it has not yet been achieved in the world and in life.
I find myself tending to speak and think constantly only about it. Many have written—Torah, Prophets, sages—about it; but to our generation the words are still occluded.
The new literature, which roams in all corners where song and life are found, has not at all penetrated into this wondrous treasure house of life, the treasure house of repentance. It has not even begun to take an interest in it, to know its character and its worth—even from its poetic aspect, which inspires beyond measure, and how much more has it not even touched upon its active side, in particular in connection with the conditions of our new life.
I am compelled from my inner being to speak about this matter of repentance, and I step back when I think: Am I worthy of speaking about repentance? The great men of the previous generations have written about repentance, the prophets and the purest sages, the greatest pietists. How can I stand in their company? But no weakness in the world can absolve me of my inner responsibility. I must speak about repentance, and particularly regarding its literary and active aspect, so that its character may be understood in our generation, and that it may be realized in life—in the life of the individual and in the life of the community.
Behold, I See
Behold, I see how sins stand as a wall against the clear divine light that shines with all its radiance on every soul, and how they darken and becloud the soul.
Repentance, even that which is only contemplative, brings about a great emancipation. However, the soul comes to a complete redemption specifically when it brings into actuality the repentance that was in potential.
But at any rate, since a person’s thought is tied to holiness and to the desire for repentance, there is no cause for fear at all. Hashem will certainly conscript all the methods through which total repentance, which illumines all areas of darkness with the light of its vitality, is acquired.
And in accord with the great value of repentance, so is the Torah blessed and grows more clear, and a person’s learning grows lucid and clear.
And “a heart that is broken and oppressed, God will not despise.”
My Heart Will Not Be Dismayed
My heart will not be dismayed by any depression in the world, because I know that this constitutes a sort of exposure of deficiency within [my] spirit on all its levels, in its individual aspect and in the aspect of its relationship with the world.
These moments of depression identify for me the areas of grief that I have to rectify and fill with light—through action, perception, thought and [internal] imagery.
All of these paths are fully open, for God's kindness is great. “Great is Your kindness to me; You have saved my soul from Sheol.”
Hashem Is With Me, I Will Not Fear
I will not let any alien predilection cause me to fall from the level I am on, for I know that all descents are necessary.
A person has to work very hard to remain constantly immersed in a situation of light, of holy joy and the desire for Torah and for serving God. So even when shadows pass and my spirit is somewhat clouded, and I engage in abrupt behavior and the short temper of my corporality gains strength, I will not fear, for I will immediately repent.
And this degraded situation will stand before me as a source of learning how to arrange the pathways leading to the coming days.
“Hashem is with me, I will not fear.”
He Did Not Listen
If the evil inclination every day rises up with new, empty ways, I will know that it has come to pave a path upon which to raise all the days to the light of supernal life.
“Blessed be Hashem every day.” “And it was that when she spoke to Yosef every day, he did not listen to her.”
In The End, My Hope Is Strong
In the end, my hope is strong that Hashem will make it possible for me to return to Him with a complete and whole repentance, with great love, and with a very lucid and clear mind.
Make It Possible For Me To Increase Goodness
Remove my disgrace, turn aside my worry, wipe away my sin, so that I will be able to pray before You with a shining countenance and engage in your mitzvot and in Your Torah with a holy joy—so that I will be able to give joy to Your creatures, to uplift and beautify those who fear You.
Make it possible for me to increase goodness, lovingkindness and blessing in the world.
“Let the willful be ashamed, for they have accused me falsely.” “I will delight in Your rules.”
Save me from all weakness, from all laxity and from every evil trait.
Enlighten my eyes with the illumination of the joy of Your salvation.
Save Your nation. Fill the heart of Your holy nation with Your fear and the awe of the glory of Your great might.
Support them in Your love, lead them straight upon Your straight highway, cause the illumination of the lovely pleasantness of the holiness of Your holy Sabbath appear in their heart, and bring them back to Your inheritance, quickly, quickly, in our days, soon.