To Serve God
It is Not Entirely an Empty Matter
It is entirely not an empty matter that I feel within myself some connection to all the great levels that I read about the great tzaddikim, supernal holy masters, even though I am a poor and abject, at the nadir of contemptibility and complete nothingness.
I Hope For The Mercies Of Heaven
Even though I yearn a great deal for various [supernal] levels, I must nevertheless know and clarify what my particular activity is.
And I hope for the mercies of heaven, so that the gates of light will be opened for me.
To Engage In The Service of Hashem
I desire with a complete yearning and desire to engage in the service of Hashem, a supernal holy worship, completely beyond any law of nature. I wish to put into all of nature the desiring light of the yearning, which is a holy of holies, for the divine ideal.
I unite with the entire Chapter of Song, with all of the singers—indeed, within all being—who rise in song and are elevated in song, and give glory and splendor to the beauty of the Life of worlds, blessed be He and blessed be His name.
I Cannot Deny Within Myself The Spirit
I cannot deny within myself the spirit that yearns to grasp the elevated service of raising the holy sparks [within] everything that comes into the circle of [my] activity—of all the physical necessities and all possessions that come into my contact with me and [that enter] into my boundary.
And that tranquility that comes to me, even [if only] because of a dim imagining of the holy form of this pure-hearted and holy work, fills me with strength and fortitude, [when I consider] that [these things] come to be rectified when the light of Torah and the worship [of God] are broadened in all aspects, as they branch outward.
“He makes Torah great and mighty.”
My Inner Desire
I cannot deny my inner desire, the essential desire of [my] soul, which is constantly revealed from the depths of my heart, which is a faithful desire, filled with trembling.
And this trembling is filled with the might of holiness, because I tremble for the word of Hashem.
The fear of heaven is my speech and my inner essential musing; all of my wellsprings are [immersed] in it.
Society, environment and a life of deeds lie on my path like stumbling stones that do not allow my holy yearning, filled with the holy light of the fear of Hashem, encompassed with an inner love, to emerge into continuous revelation, so as to be strengthened in all [of its] traits.
And behold I, whenever I come into contact with people, I come into confusion, and the concealment of the content of the fear [of God] grows very strong, to the point that I find myself abased and abandoned.
But my hope is in Hashem.
From My Nature I Am Summoned
From my nature I am summoned to do everything for the sake of the deed [itself] and to speak of matters for their own sake.
For me, the variety of ulterior motives and blemishes of thought and desire are merely external things. And if I strengthen myself with great faith in the quality of the light of my soul, which is united with pure humility, I will conquer everything. Then the light of Hashem will shine on me clearly and broadly, and I will be able to speak words of truth, without any fear and without any desire to curry favor in the world.
Egotism
I hate egotism with an utter hatred.
It is not awakened within me from the aspect of the essence of my character and nature.
All of my aspects that are negative stand before me always deeply revealed.
Only external states of being—mingling with people, the need to diminish the soul for the sake of the communal life needs of the masses, arouse the repulsive character of pride, which I must take some part of for the purpose of leading, and must sometimes use it to diminish the supernal light, when it grows too overwhelming for the weak body to receive.
But it is in essence disgraceful. And the ugliness and falsehood within it are clearly recognizable to me.
I Cannot Speak Meaningless Words
In accord with the feeling of [my] soul, I cannot speak meaningless or superfluous words, and at a time that the arousal of the external physicality brings me to this—to speak as most people speak in the flow of my speech—I feel the protest of [my] soul within myself.
And I need a type of guidance that will give me a basis for feeling the progress of my soul, and to make it sovereign in my life, and in all of my movements and in all of my words.
When My Thought Is Settled
Meaningless words are not at all in accord with my nature. And even in order to sharpen my mind, I need to weigh thoroughly how to arrange that properly.
And usually, when my thought is settled, it is possible for me to sharpen my mind in a way that will contain within it an inner wisdom—in mind or at least in feeling.
Love For This World
I lack a love for this world, and that causes me great imperfection in spirituality, in learning Torah and in engaging in mitzvot “not for its own sake”—so that “out of its being not ‘for its own sake’ eventually it comes to be ‘for its own sake.’”
And I need guidance as to how to deal with these paths—which, although they are in themselves descents, yet are nevertheless necessary for ascent.
Eating
I am very confused in regard to matters of my eating. I experience a great struggle within me in this matter.
I would very much like to fast, and to fast properly—and at the least to eat very little. But on the other hand I must, both from the aspect of health and from the aspect of holy tendencies—which are hidden within my depths and which can be great lights, matters through which all the great people of the world would rise to high elevations. From the aspect of all these, I need to eat properly, and sometimes even a great deal.
And because of my digestive problems, eating is difficult for me, and because of the scattered spirit that I usually suffer from, it is difficult for me to reach a decision as regard to the [proper] arrangement for eating, and [to reach] a completely settled state of mind that is necessary for the holiness of supernal wisdom [and] that is needed in order to be able to eat with the holiness of truth that is proper for the purity of the soul, so as to raise the will to beautify and elevate the holiness of Hashem in His world.
And if this was difficult for me in the land of Israel, how more difficult it is outside of the land.
But nevertheless, I hope for supernal kindness, so that everything will be renewed for good, for a great light, for eternal beauty, for blessing and salvation, for the light of Torah and the flame of mitzvah. And in the paths of righteousness may the Rock of our salvation lead me; may He beautify the impoverished with salvation. “And You are with the oppressed and the lowly of spirit,” “and You save the impoverished nation.”
A Weakness Of Will
The essence of my imperfection is a weakness of will, as well as a weakness of the body.
And at times, when I want to involve myself in repentance and in the awe of God, my will is further weakened, and I must afterwards rectify a great deal more.
Therefore, I must integrate into my repentance an inner might filled with lovingkindness, so as to strengthen and gird my will, and to make an effort together with the strength of the physical power.
And may Hashem’s help come to me so that everything will be in the proper order.
I Need To Strengthen My Will
I need to strengthen my will, to free it from any subservience [caused by] phantasm.
Then it will be connected to Torah and prayer, to a mindful clinging to the divine and to an inner awakening in a depth of holiness.
And the merit of the land of Israel will stand by me even in my exile, to bring me back to the holy land with great mercy.
Purifications For The Entire World
The purifications that I perform on myself, my thoughts, my ideas, my traits and my feelings—they will be general purifications for the entire world.
Save Me, Hashem
Save me, Hashem, deliver me from human oppression.
Grant me the merit to truly brighten my entire being.
Strengthen and gird my will and my abilities to walk upon the straight path of the light of the holiness of Your straightness, for “You desire straight things”—You, Hashem my God.
Before You Shall I Pour Forth My Speech
Before You shall I pour forth my speech, Master of all worlds.
Your greatness will not prevent me from coming close to You, for indeed [Your] greatness is [Your] humility, and they have no end—as is the case with all of Your traits.
Neither will my awareness of my smallness and my nothingness prevent me from having the vigor to come close to You, the light of life and the source of good, for there is no end to the greatness that my heart will cause me to feel in that I am one of Your creations.
And even if I look down on some of Your creatures and they are inconsequential in my eyes, only foolishness causes that.
You are the source of wisdom. Only You know Your greatness. And in the power of that greatness, truly all of Your creatures are of equal worth, insofar as they are Your creations, great and awesome God.
And for me as well, it is enough for me to be considered one of the works of Your hands—that covers all of my imperfections.
And behold, with a trembling of the holy I come to You, my King. Save me. From all of my sins help me escape, and from all of my enemies deliver me. Save [me] please, save [me] please, Father Who is compassionate and gracious regarding all deeds.
“To Hashem belongs salvation; upon Your nation is Your blessing selah.”
It is entirely not an empty matter that I feel within myself some connection to all the great levels that I read about the great tzaddikim, supernal holy masters, even though I am a poor and abject, at the nadir of contemptibility and complete nothingness.
I Hope For The Mercies Of Heaven
Even though I yearn a great deal for various [supernal] levels, I must nevertheless know and clarify what my particular activity is.
And I hope for the mercies of heaven, so that the gates of light will be opened for me.
To Engage In The Service of Hashem
I desire with a complete yearning and desire to engage in the service of Hashem, a supernal holy worship, completely beyond any law of nature. I wish to put into all of nature the desiring light of the yearning, which is a holy of holies, for the divine ideal.
I unite with the entire Chapter of Song, with all of the singers—indeed, within all being—who rise in song and are elevated in song, and give glory and splendor to the beauty of the Life of worlds, blessed be He and blessed be His name.
I Cannot Deny Within Myself The Spirit
I cannot deny within myself the spirit that yearns to grasp the elevated service of raising the holy sparks [within] everything that comes into the circle of [my] activity—of all the physical necessities and all possessions that come into my contact with me and [that enter] into my boundary.
And that tranquility that comes to me, even [if only] because of a dim imagining of the holy form of this pure-hearted and holy work, fills me with strength and fortitude, [when I consider] that [these things] come to be rectified when the light of Torah and the worship [of God] are broadened in all aspects, as they branch outward.
“He makes Torah great and mighty.”
My Inner Desire
I cannot deny my inner desire, the essential desire of [my] soul, which is constantly revealed from the depths of my heart, which is a faithful desire, filled with trembling.
And this trembling is filled with the might of holiness, because I tremble for the word of Hashem.
The fear of heaven is my speech and my inner essential musing; all of my wellsprings are [immersed] in it.
Society, environment and a life of deeds lie on my path like stumbling stones that do not allow my holy yearning, filled with the holy light of the fear of Hashem, encompassed with an inner love, to emerge into continuous revelation, so as to be strengthened in all [of its] traits.
And behold I, whenever I come into contact with people, I come into confusion, and the concealment of the content of the fear [of God] grows very strong, to the point that I find myself abased and abandoned.
But my hope is in Hashem.
From My Nature I Am Summoned
From my nature I am summoned to do everything for the sake of the deed [itself] and to speak of matters for their own sake.
For me, the variety of ulterior motives and blemishes of thought and desire are merely external things. And if I strengthen myself with great faith in the quality of the light of my soul, which is united with pure humility, I will conquer everything. Then the light of Hashem will shine on me clearly and broadly, and I will be able to speak words of truth, without any fear and without any desire to curry favor in the world.
Egotism
I hate egotism with an utter hatred.
It is not awakened within me from the aspect of the essence of my character and nature.
All of my aspects that are negative stand before me always deeply revealed.
Only external states of being—mingling with people, the need to diminish the soul for the sake of the communal life needs of the masses, arouse the repulsive character of pride, which I must take some part of for the purpose of leading, and must sometimes use it to diminish the supernal light, when it grows too overwhelming for the weak body to receive.
But it is in essence disgraceful. And the ugliness and falsehood within it are clearly recognizable to me.
I Cannot Speak Meaningless Words
In accord with the feeling of [my] soul, I cannot speak meaningless or superfluous words, and at a time that the arousal of the external physicality brings me to this—to speak as most people speak in the flow of my speech—I feel the protest of [my] soul within myself.
And I need a type of guidance that will give me a basis for feeling the progress of my soul, and to make it sovereign in my life, and in all of my movements and in all of my words.
When My Thought Is Settled
Meaningless words are not at all in accord with my nature. And even in order to sharpen my mind, I need to weigh thoroughly how to arrange that properly.
And usually, when my thought is settled, it is possible for me to sharpen my mind in a way that will contain within it an inner wisdom—in mind or at least in feeling.
Love For This World
I lack a love for this world, and that causes me great imperfection in spirituality, in learning Torah and in engaging in mitzvot “not for its own sake”—so that “out of its being not ‘for its own sake’ eventually it comes to be ‘for its own sake.’”
And I need guidance as to how to deal with these paths—which, although they are in themselves descents, yet are nevertheless necessary for ascent.
Eating
I am very confused in regard to matters of my eating. I experience a great struggle within me in this matter.
I would very much like to fast, and to fast properly—and at the least to eat very little. But on the other hand I must, both from the aspect of health and from the aspect of holy tendencies—which are hidden within my depths and which can be great lights, matters through which all the great people of the world would rise to high elevations. From the aspect of all these, I need to eat properly, and sometimes even a great deal.
And because of my digestive problems, eating is difficult for me, and because of the scattered spirit that I usually suffer from, it is difficult for me to reach a decision as regard to the [proper] arrangement for eating, and [to reach] a completely settled state of mind that is necessary for the holiness of supernal wisdom [and] that is needed in order to be able to eat with the holiness of truth that is proper for the purity of the soul, so as to raise the will to beautify and elevate the holiness of Hashem in His world.
And if this was difficult for me in the land of Israel, how more difficult it is outside of the land.
But nevertheless, I hope for supernal kindness, so that everything will be renewed for good, for a great light, for eternal beauty, for blessing and salvation, for the light of Torah and the flame of mitzvah. And in the paths of righteousness may the Rock of our salvation lead me; may He beautify the impoverished with salvation. “And You are with the oppressed and the lowly of spirit,” “and You save the impoverished nation.”
A Weakness Of Will
The essence of my imperfection is a weakness of will, as well as a weakness of the body.
And at times, when I want to involve myself in repentance and in the awe of God, my will is further weakened, and I must afterwards rectify a great deal more.
Therefore, I must integrate into my repentance an inner might filled with lovingkindness, so as to strengthen and gird my will, and to make an effort together with the strength of the physical power.
And may Hashem’s help come to me so that everything will be in the proper order.
I Need To Strengthen My Will
I need to strengthen my will, to free it from any subservience [caused by] phantasm.
Then it will be connected to Torah and prayer, to a mindful clinging to the divine and to an inner awakening in a depth of holiness.
And the merit of the land of Israel will stand by me even in my exile, to bring me back to the holy land with great mercy.
Purifications For The Entire World
The purifications that I perform on myself, my thoughts, my ideas, my traits and my feelings—they will be general purifications for the entire world.
Save Me, Hashem
Save me, Hashem, deliver me from human oppression.
Grant me the merit to truly brighten my entire being.
Strengthen and gird my will and my abilities to walk upon the straight path of the light of the holiness of Your straightness, for “You desire straight things”—You, Hashem my God.
Before You Shall I Pour Forth My Speech
Before You shall I pour forth my speech, Master of all worlds.
Your greatness will not prevent me from coming close to You, for indeed [Your] greatness is [Your] humility, and they have no end—as is the case with all of Your traits.
Neither will my awareness of my smallness and my nothingness prevent me from having the vigor to come close to You, the light of life and the source of good, for there is no end to the greatness that my heart will cause me to feel in that I am one of Your creations.
And even if I look down on some of Your creatures and they are inconsequential in my eyes, only foolishness causes that.
You are the source of wisdom. Only You know Your greatness. And in the power of that greatness, truly all of Your creatures are of equal worth, insofar as they are Your creations, great and awesome God.
And for me as well, it is enough for me to be considered one of the works of Your hands—that covers all of my imperfections.
And behold, with a trembling of the holy I come to You, my King. Save me. From all of my sins help me escape, and from all of my enemies deliver me. Save [me] please, save [me] please, Father Who is compassionate and gracious regarding all deeds.
“To Hashem belongs salvation; upon Your nation is Your blessing selah.”